I am afraid of fire. There I said it! Usually my fear doesn't interfere with my life or ability to function. I use candle warmers instead of lighting candles. Sometime i would light a candle but only with one of those long lighters.
Tonight my fear has got the best of me. My darn pilot light on my furnace has decided to go out. It is starting to get cold I am torn. I worry that if it gets too cold my babies will suffer but I can't bring myself to light the furnace. I gave myself a pep-talk, got into the crawl space and told myself I could do this. Well I read the instructions and my fear got the best of me. I started feeling nauseous and started dry-heaving. I was hyperventilating and just cried.
My sweet husband tried to call some work friends to see if any of them could come to my aid. Unfortunately he had no luck. :( I am going to snuggle up with my kids and hope that it stays warm enough that we won't have any problems. But if it comes to it I just might have to face my fear. I am terrified and praying that we can make it through the night and that I can get some help in the morning.
I am so embarrassed to be so afraid. I wish I could just go down there and get the job done.
I can not wait to get our new furnace this spring. This one is one it's last legs and I don't know if I can take another night like this.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Friday, February 1, 2013
Scattered thoughts...
Am I alone? Am I the only one who is emotionally led. Sometimes I think that I let my emotions take the wheel more often than they should. I like being carefree and letting little things slide but lately I have felt so influenced by what is going on around me. Maybe it is all my hormones trying to find a balance.
For awhile now I have been feeling replaced. I haven't acted out on my feeling but I have certainly cried more about it than I care to admit. A friend that I work with has made some new friends and no we rarely spend time together. Her new friends are wonderful people and give her the things I think she really needs right now. But I can't help but feel a little left out.
I need to find a way to make more friends. It's hard to make friends though when you don't even fully know who you are. I know I am a mother and a wife (and daughter, sister, aunt, etc.) I know that I teach dance. I know that I stress a little more than I should. I know that I like to take control but worry about if others will accept my decisions. I know that I usually think before speaking, sometimes I don't and I feel like an idiot after the fact. I know I over-analyze things. I know that I am weak. I can't take judgement from others and there are days I don't like myself. I know my faith is teetering, I am not sure what I believe anymore.
I have always got along better with non-religious people. But I don't have a good outlet to find those people right now. I did start getting along with the wife of one of Luther's coworkers. But they are moving out of state next week. I suppose I could try making friends with the women at church but I just feel inadequate in comparison. Most of the women here are very strong in their faith and I just want to avoid that right now.
Another think that is difficult for me to accept is that I am not as important at the dance studio anymore. I used to teach half of our classes and was the office manager. Now I teach one class and run the desk 3 hours a week. I am grateful to have the extra time with my kids but sometimes I don't feel like I have a purpose. I do have a dance that is going to competition and I designed the dance studio's logo. So I guess I am still needed.
I need to refocus my view and rearrange my priorities. I am important because I have been given two beautiful children to raise. It is my job to mold them into good people. People who understand the importance of manners and see their self-worth. I have been blessed with a hard-working husband. I miss him a lot but it is clear to me how much he loves me and our children. I need to focus my time and energy on my babies and let everything else follow.
Bentley is such a good baby. He is happy most of the time and loves attention. He has a smile that melts your heart. He loves to "talk" to his toys and to us. His new favorite thing is blowing spit bubbles, he loves to see spit bubbles too and Alexis is more than happy to oblige. :)
Alexis is smart. Sometimes too smart! She has been sassy lately and talks back. I am working on the back-talking and it is taking a lot out of me. She is learning to read. She knows a lot of sight words and knows the letter sounds. She gets frustrated easily though so we only practice for short periods of time. Alexis also enjoys math. She can do simple addition. She can count to 30 without help and to 100 with a little help. She can count to 100 by tens. She knows her right and her left and isn't afraid to correct anyone who gets it wrong. She has almost mastered her cartwheel!!! She never ceases to surprise me!
My life is nothing special but I am blessed. I need to focus on the great things life has to offer. I really need to stop sweating the small stuff. Life is too short to not be enjoyed. I will figure out my friend situation. I just need to stay positive and learn to like myself.
For awhile now I have been feeling replaced. I haven't acted out on my feeling but I have certainly cried more about it than I care to admit. A friend that I work with has made some new friends and no we rarely spend time together. Her new friends are wonderful people and give her the things I think she really needs right now. But I can't help but feel a little left out.
I need to find a way to make more friends. It's hard to make friends though when you don't even fully know who you are. I know I am a mother and a wife (and daughter, sister, aunt, etc.) I know that I teach dance. I know that I stress a little more than I should. I know that I like to take control but worry about if others will accept my decisions. I know that I usually think before speaking, sometimes I don't and I feel like an idiot after the fact. I know I over-analyze things. I know that I am weak. I can't take judgement from others and there are days I don't like myself. I know my faith is teetering, I am not sure what I believe anymore.
I have always got along better with non-religious people. But I don't have a good outlet to find those people right now. I did start getting along with the wife of one of Luther's coworkers. But they are moving out of state next week. I suppose I could try making friends with the women at church but I just feel inadequate in comparison. Most of the women here are very strong in their faith and I just want to avoid that right now.
Another think that is difficult for me to accept is that I am not as important at the dance studio anymore. I used to teach half of our classes and was the office manager. Now I teach one class and run the desk 3 hours a week. I am grateful to have the extra time with my kids but sometimes I don't feel like I have a purpose. I do have a dance that is going to competition and I designed the dance studio's logo. So I guess I am still needed.
I need to refocus my view and rearrange my priorities. I am important because I have been given two beautiful children to raise. It is my job to mold them into good people. People who understand the importance of manners and see their self-worth. I have been blessed with a hard-working husband. I miss him a lot but it is clear to me how much he loves me and our children. I need to focus my time and energy on my babies and let everything else follow.
Bentley is such a good baby. He is happy most of the time and loves attention. He has a smile that melts your heart. He loves to "talk" to his toys and to us. His new favorite thing is blowing spit bubbles, he loves to see spit bubbles too and Alexis is more than happy to oblige. :)
Alexis is smart. Sometimes too smart! She has been sassy lately and talks back. I am working on the back-talking and it is taking a lot out of me. She is learning to read. She knows a lot of sight words and knows the letter sounds. She gets frustrated easily though so we only practice for short periods of time. Alexis also enjoys math. She can do simple addition. She can count to 30 without help and to 100 with a little help. She can count to 100 by tens. She knows her right and her left and isn't afraid to correct anyone who gets it wrong. She has almost mastered her cartwheel!!! She never ceases to surprise me!
My life is nothing special but I am blessed. I need to focus on the great things life has to offer. I really need to stop sweating the small stuff. Life is too short to not be enjoyed. I will figure out my friend situation. I just need to stay positive and learn to like myself.
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