Sunday, February 3, 2013

D*mn pyrophobia

I am afraid of fire. There I said it! Usually my fear doesn't interfere with my life or ability to function. I use candle warmers instead of lighting candles. Sometime i would light a candle but only with one of those long lighters.

Tonight my fear has got the best of me. My darn pilot light on my furnace has decided to go out. It is starting to get cold I am torn. I worry that if it gets too cold my babies will suffer but I can't bring myself to light the furnace. I gave myself a pep-talk, got into the crawl space and told myself I could do this. Well I read the instructions and my fear got the best of me. I started feeling nauseous and started dry-heaving. I was hyperventilating and just cried.

My sweet husband tried to call some work friends to see if any of them could come to my aid. Unfortunately he had no luck. :( I am going to snuggle up with my kids and hope that it stays warm enough that we won't have any problems. But if it comes to it I just might have to face my fear. I am terrified and praying that we can make it through the night and that I can get some help in the morning.

I am so embarrassed to be so afraid. I wish I could just go down there and get the job done.

I can not wait to get our new furnace this spring. This one is one it's last legs and I don't know if I can take another night like this.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Scattered thoughts...

Am I alone? Am I the only one who is emotionally led. Sometimes I think that I let my emotions take the wheel more often than they should. I like being carefree and letting little things slide but lately I have felt so influenced by what is going on around me. Maybe it is all my hormones trying to find a balance.

For awhile now I have been feeling replaced. I haven't acted out on my feeling but I have certainly cried more about it than I care to admit. A friend that I work with has made some new friends and no we rarely spend time together. Her new friends are wonderful people and give her the things I think she really needs right now. But I can't help but feel a little left out.

I need to find a way to make more friends. It's hard to make friends though when you don't even fully know who you are. I know I am a mother and a wife (and daughter, sister, aunt, etc.) I know that I teach dance. I know that I stress a little more than I should. I know that I like to take control but worry about if others will accept my decisions. I know that I usually think before speaking, sometimes I don't and I feel like an idiot after the fact. I know I over-analyze things. I know that I am weak. I can't take judgement from others and there are days I don't like myself. I know my faith is teetering, I am not sure what I believe anymore.

I have always got along better with non-religious people. But I don't have a good outlet to find those people right now. I did start getting along with the wife of one of Luther's coworkers. But they are moving out of state next week. I suppose I could try making friends with the women at church but I just feel inadequate in comparison. Most of the women here are very strong in their faith and I just want to avoid that right now.

Another think that is difficult for me to accept is that I am not as important at the dance studio anymore. I used to teach half of our classes and was the office manager. Now I teach one class and run the desk 3 hours a week. I am grateful to have the extra time with my kids but sometimes I don't feel like I have a purpose. I do have a dance that is going to competition and I designed the dance studio's logo. So I guess I am still needed.

I need to refocus my view and rearrange my priorities. I am important because I have been given two beautiful children to raise. It is my job to mold them into good people. People who understand the importance of manners and see their self-worth. I have been blessed with a hard-working husband. I miss him a lot but it is clear to me how much he loves me and our children. I need to focus my time and energy on my babies and let everything else follow.

Bentley is such a good baby. He is happy most of the time and loves attention. He has a smile that melts your heart. He loves to "talk" to his toys and to us. His new favorite thing is blowing spit bubbles, he loves to see spit bubbles too and Alexis is more than happy to oblige. :)

Alexis is smart. Sometimes too smart! She has been sassy lately and talks back. I am working on the back-talking and it is taking a lot out of me. She is learning to read. She knows a lot of sight words and knows the letter sounds. She gets frustrated easily though so we only practice for short periods of time. Alexis also enjoys math. She can do simple addition. She can count to 30 without help and to 100 with a little help. She can count to 100 by tens. She knows her right and her left and isn't afraid to correct anyone who gets it wrong. She has almost mastered her cartwheel!!! She never ceases to surprise me!

My life is nothing special but I am blessed. I need to focus on the great things life has to offer. I really need to stop sweating the small stuff. Life is too short to not be enjoyed. I will figure out my friend situation. I just need to stay positive and learn to like myself.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Waa Waa

This is going to be a woe is me post. No need to read, I just need to get out this feelings.

Lately I feel like I am more of an annoyance to my friends here. Ever since the summer I just don't feel included. I am so lonely when Luther is gone and I was so glad to find someone as lonely as me. But she developed a strong friendship with this couple over the summer and now it's like I don't exist. I am to the point where I don't even want to try anymore. If Alexis didn't enjoy getting out of the house so much I wouldn't try. I would go back to staying home all day making friends online.

I never get invited to do anything anymore. Today I had to ask what was going on and decided to tag along. I really wish I hadn't, I just felt like I wasn't wanted there. I wish I could find a way to talk to this friend about how I feel without me sounding needy or like it is high school again.

I can't wait to visit my family. I need to be around people who I know love me. Who welcome me fully. Luther doesn't fully understand how desperately I need my family. I love being independent and secure on our feet here in Wyoming. But there are days like today when I would like to visit my mom and sister and have fun being ourselves. I need that so much.

I need to find me some good friends. I am too scared to do it. I am done feeling this way. I don't know how long I can take.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Bentley had his 2 month appointment last week. He weighed 12 lbs 6.9ozs and is 22.5" long. He also had his first round of shots. He wasn't too pleased about that but he took them like a champ!

Everyone has been commenting that Bentley is growing fast and that he is starting to look more like a little boy everyday. He is such a sweet boy who loves to cuddle. Sometime I think he likes to cuddle too much because lately he wants to cuddle all the time. Most of the time I love to snuggle my little guy but I admit there are times where I wish he could be content without me.

For Christmas Luther bought me the Nike Fuel band. I wasn't able to use it until last week because I had to exchange it for a larger size. Anyway, it has actually been fun trying to meet my daily activity goals. I am hoping that it will help me get to a healthier weight. I am sure that my hormones have been fueling my disdain for my current figure. I hate where my body is right now and I really want to change. Problem is I am lazy (or depressed about the situation) and without some kind of motivation I won't get far. It is things like this that make me wish I still lived near my family. I am positive my sisters would join me in my weight lose journey and be that push I need.

Getting back into dance has been a little more difficult than I thought. I have been struggling with finding a song, planning class, and thinking of choreography. I hope that I can get my creative gears turning soon so my class can be successful. I am certain that my biggest fault is that I am over thinking it. I just need to relax and let the creativity flow. I really need to make this class fun and educational. Wish me luck!
On the positive side though I have finally finished the piece for some of the competition girls. I started the dance back in October and with having a baby, Christmas, and winter recital my dance has been put at a standstill until now. I teach it to the girls tomorrow. I hope they like it!! :)

Alexis has been her same old, silly self. In fact, just today we were getting ready to leave the dance studio when she says, "mom, I am going to make a potion when we get home." I then asked, "Oh? What will your potion do to me?" To which Alexis replies, "it will make you be nice to me at the dance studio." Keep in mind that Alexis was mad at me for telling her to get ready to go. I try not to be mean to her at the dance studio. :)

Alexis still loves her gymnastics class. She was so happy last week when classes started up again. She loves her coaches and loves learning new things. She is very excited about dance this semester. Alexis and her friend Paityn are going to learn a duet to compete this year. She can't stop talking about it!
Alexis is teaching me that I really need to stop swearing. Lately my favorite thing to call the dog is "stupid a$$" (I love my dog but sometimes she likes to remind me she is still a puppy; like jumping on and off my bed like a psycho, licking Bentley's face, stealing stuff out of the garbage, etc.) so naturally that is now Alexis' name for the dog. I have also found myself saying "what the hell!?" and of course Alexis copies. I really need to correct this habit before she calls someone a "stupid ass" or inquires "what the hell."

I have been fighting with my self image lately. I am having a really hard time liking myself lately and am questioning why or if people like me. I hate when I have these thoughts that I am not good enough. It makes me a very volatile person that I don't enjoy being. I snap really easily and I hate it. I am not the best housekeeper but when I feel like this, it's worse. I need a pick-me-up soon. Hopefully going to Utah in a couple weeks will help. I hate feeling this way. I hate trying to fight the feeling and be happy. I want to really be happy instead of pretending. I want to be able to overcome my fear of what people are thinking about me. I wish I could be more sure of myself. I haven't talked about these feelings but they needed to come out.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Christmas and New Years

Okay, okay. I officially stink at this blogging thing. I guess it is okay though because I don't have many followers. :P
Here is what has happened since the last time I blogged...
Alexis had her dance recital.
December 21, 2012 Alexis performed 3 dances in Just Dance Studio's winter recital. She did a tap piece and 2 creative movement pieces. I was so happy that my family was able to come up for Alexis' recital. (Except Ryan, he had to work and was missed.) Alexis loves knowing that her extended family support her. My inlaws weren't able to make it to this show but we know that they love Alexis and wish they could have made it. You were there in spirit!! :)

My Grandma D. passed away
My Grandma left this earth to rejoin her husband in heaven Dec. 21, 2012. I am glad that she didn't have to spend Christmas without my Grandpa. My Grandma had been in a lot of pain for many years. She had a heart of gold. It is going to be hard without her but I am happy she is no longer in pain. My sisters, mother, and I sang at her funeral. We sang "Beyond the Sunset" and a song that my mother had written. I love you Grandma, I hope I can become a great woman like you were!

Merry Christmas!!!
Alexis loved wrapping gifts for others this year. If there was a present that needed wrapping she was on the job. Alexis was spoiled this year (like usual). She got an innotab 2 and some accessories, new bedding, movies, games, books, and dolls. She loved Christmas and has enjoyed all of her gifts.
It was our first Christmas with Bentley. Santa didn't bring him too many things but he did get some blocks, a book, some stackable cups, and some new binkies.
Daisy got some bones and a new ball this year for Christmas. Alexis had fun trying to keep the dog away from her gifts until Christmas.

Happy New Year 2013!!
Nothing too exciting happened for New Year's Eve. Alexis and I watched The Lorax and after she fell asleep I watched Pretty Woman. Luther went to bed early since he had to work.
I did get to go out to lunch with a friend for my birthday! Then we went back to the dance studio and worked for a few hours. (I say work but we mostly hung out.) 

That is basically the last few weeks in a nutshell...

Sunday, December 2, 2012

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

The Good:
1) Alexis had gymnastics and dance this week! After having a week off it seemed like a blessing to get back to having activities. She was so funny at gymnastics though. She would not stop talking to her coaches.
2) Alexis is understanding the concept of a cartwheel. When she first started gymnastics she would jump her feet over the wrong way. She is finally going the right way. Now all she will need is practice and she should be cartwheeling around in no time.
3) Alexis cleaned her room! It was looking like a tornado had dropped right in the middle of her room. I was so happy that she actually cleaned it. Hooray!
4) Dance pictures were yesterday. Alexis looked so cute! I can't wait to see her finished pictures.
5) Bentley is 4 weeks old!!

The Bad:
1) Luther working out of town.
2) Being sick. I came down with a crappy head cold. It's starting to make my teeth sensitive. :(

The Ugly:
1) My insecurities. This week has been a whirlwind of emotion for me. It seems like everyone has a better body than I do. That their kids are better behaved than mine. That I am just a terrible person who doesn't act well in social situations. I hate when I get this way. I wish I could care less what others thought of me and just be happy.

Alexis' dancing in her Spring recital.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

I am glad this week is coming to a close. It has been a VERY long one.

The Good:
1) Bentley is 3 weeks old today!

2) I FINALLY got some Christmas shopping done. Alexis is pretty much finished, I may add some clothes and some games. Bentley will just need maybe one other toy and some clothes or some blankets.
3) I broke out my first bottle of Martinelli's for the season. :) I wasn't very good at sharing it though. Sparkling apple cider is a major part of my holiday.
4) Warm Fuzzies: Luther and I went to Ihop for Thanksgiving dinner this year. We left a 50% tip for the waitress. I had to go back in because we had left our "doggy bag" on the table. The waitress looked me straight in the eye and said, "thank you so much I really appreciate it (the tip). Really, I appreciate it a lot." I love that warm fuzzies feeling. :)
5) Beating my husband: Luther has started playing Zynga Texas Hold'em Poker. He asked me to play with him one night and I agreed. I won two huge pots against him. It was pretty fun. lol

The Bad:
1) Alexis' Temper: Alexis didn't have gymnastics OR dance this entire week. Without the extra activities to help her get rid of her extra energy she has been SO emotional. Luther and I asked her to wear pants on Thursday (simple request right?) and she threw a major tantrum. It took a good 30+ minutes to calm her down.
2) Luther's work schedule: Up until next week Luther's company has paid their employees 40 hours for their week off. (He works two full weeks on and has one week off then repeats.) So now we are in between a rock and a hard place. Do we lose out on 40 hours of pay and take the week off or does Luther work. Starting today Luther is going to work this first week off. I know it is something that he needs to do to keep us on track financially but I am going to miss him. I sure hope Saturday gets here soon.

The Ugly:
1) Sick Tummies: Both Luther and Alexis got stomach bugs this week. Thankfully I haven't caught it and neither has Bentley. Let's hope it stays that way.
2) Bodily functions: Since it has been 4.5 years since I had an infant to care for I need to relearn a lot of things. One things is that it is wise to place a clean diaper under the old one when you are changing a baby. Why? Well sometimes as soon as you remove the old diaper it signals the flood gates to open. This happened to me this week and I am not talking pee. Although, I still have to get used to Bentley peeing when his diaper comes off. I need to be more diligent about covering him with a wipe or something. lol