Waa Waa

This is going to be a woe is me post. No need to read, I just need to get out this feelings.

Lately I feel like I am more of an annoyance to my friends here. Ever since the summer I just don't feel included. I am so lonely when Luther is gone and I was so glad to find someone as lonely as me. But she developed a strong friendship with this couple over the summer and now it's like I don't exist. I am to the point where I don't even want to try anymore. If Alexis didn't enjoy getting out of the house so much I wouldn't try. I would go back to staying home all day making friends online.

I never get invited to do anything anymore. Today I had to ask what was going on and decided to tag along. I really wish I hadn't, I just felt like I wasn't wanted there. I wish I could find a way to talk to this friend about how I feel without me sounding needy or like it is high school again.

I can't wait to visit my family. I need to be around people who I know love me. Who welcome me fully. Luther doesn't fully understand how desperately I need my family. I love being independent and secure on our feet here in Wyoming. But there are days like today when I would like to visit my mom and sister and have fun being ourselves. I need that so much.

I need to find me some good friends. I am too scared to do it. I am done feeling this way. I don't know how long I can take.

Bentley had his 2 month appointment last week. He weighed 12 lbs 6.9ozs and is 22.5" long. He also had his first round of shots. He wasn't too pleased about that but he took them like a champ!

Everyone has been commenting that Bentley is growing fast and that he is starting to look more like a little boy everyday. He is such a sweet boy who loves to cuddle. Sometime I think he likes to cuddle too much because lately he wants to cuddle all the time. Most of the time I love to snuggle my little guy but I admit there are times where I wish he could be content without me.

For Christmas Luther bought me the Nike Fuel band. I wasn't able to use it until last week because I had to exchange it for a larger size. Anyway, it has actually been fun trying to meet my daily activity goals. I am hoping that it will help me get to a healthier weight. I am sure that my hormones have been fueling my disdain for my current figure. I hate where my body is right now and I really want to change. Problem is I am lazy (or depressed about the situation) and without some kind of motivation I won't get far. It is things like this that make me wish I still lived near my family. I am positive my sisters would join me in my weight lose journey and be that push I need.

Getting back into dance has been a little more difficult than I thought. I have been struggling with finding a song, planning class, and thinking of choreography. I hope that I can get my creative gears turning soon so my class can be successful. I am certain that my biggest fault is that I am over thinking it. I just need to relax and let the creativity flow. I really need to make this class fun and educational. Wish me luck!
On the positive side though I have finally finished the piece for some of the competition girls. I started the dance back in October and with having a baby, Christmas, and winter recital my dance has been put at a standstill until now. I teach it to the girls tomorrow. I hope they like it!! :)

Alexis has been her same old, silly self. In fact, just today we were getting ready to leave the dance studio when she says, "mom, I am going to make a potion when we get home." I then asked, "Oh? What will your potion do to me?" To which Alexis replies, "it will make you be nice to me at the dance studio." Keep in mind that Alexis was mad at me for telling her to get ready to go. I try not to be mean to her at the dance studio. :)

Alexis still loves her gymnastics class. She was so happy last week when classes started up again. She loves her coaches and loves learning new things. She is very excited about dance this semester. Alexis and her friend Paityn are going to learn a duet to compete this year. She can't stop talking about it!
Alexis is teaching me that I really need to stop swearing. Lately my favorite thing to call the dog is "stupid a$$" (I love my dog but sometimes she likes to remind me she is still a puppy; like jumping on and off my bed like a psycho, licking Bentley's face, stealing stuff out of the garbage, etc.) so naturally that is now Alexis' name for the dog. I have also found myself saying "what the hell!?" and of course Alexis copies. I really need to correct this habit before she calls someone a "stupid ass" or inquires "what the hell."

I have been fighting with my self image lately. I am having a really hard time liking myself lately and am questioning why or if people like me. I hate when I have these thoughts that I am not good enough. It makes me a very volatile person that I don't enjoy being. I snap really easily and I hate it. I am not the best housekeeper but when I feel like this, it's worse. I need a pick-me-up soon. Hopefully going to Utah in a couple weeks will help. I hate feeling this way. I hate trying to fight the feeling and be happy. I want to really be happy instead of pretending. I want to be able to overcome my fear of what people are thinking about me. I wish I could be more sure of myself. I haven't talked about these feelings but they needed to come out.

Christmas and New Years

Okay, okay. I officially stink at this blogging thing. I guess it is okay though because I don't have many followers. :P
Here is what has happened since the last time I blogged...

Alexis had her dance recital.

December 21, 2012 Alexis performed 3 dances in Just Dance Studio's winter recital. She did a tap piece and 2 creative movement pieces. I was so happy that my family was able to come up for Alexis' recital. (Except Ryan, he had to work and was missed.) Alexis loves knowing that her extended family support her. My inlaws weren't able to make it to this show but we know that they love Alexis and wish they could have made it. You were there in spirit!! :)

My Grandma D. passed away

My Grandma left this earth to rejoin her husband in heaven Dec. 21, 2012. I am glad that she didn't have to spend Christmas without my Grandpa. My Grandma had been in a lot of pain for many years. She had a heart of gold. It is going to be hard without her but I am happy she is no longer in pain. My sisters, mother, and I sang at her funeral. We sang "Beyond the Sunset" and a song that my mother had written. I love you Grandma, I hope I can become a great woman like you were!

Merry Christmas!!!

Alexis loved wrapping gifts for others this year. If there was a present that needed wrapping she was on the job. Alexis was spoiled this year (like usual). She got an innotab 2 and some accessories, new bedding, movies, games, books, and dolls. She loved Christmas and has enjoyed all of her gifts.

It was our first Christmas with Bentley. Santa didn't bring him too many things but he did get some blocks, a book, some stackable cups, and some new binkies.

Daisy got some bones and a new ball this year for Christmas. Alexis had fun trying to keep the dog away from her gifts until Christmas.

Happy New Year 2013!!

Nothing too exciting happened for New Year's Eve. Alexis and I watched The Lorax and after she fell asleep I watched Pretty Woman. Luther went to bed early since he had to work.

I did get to go out to lunch with a friend for my birthday! Then we went back to the dance studio and worked for a few hours. (I say work but we mostly hung out.) 

That is basically the last few weeks in a nutshell...